Let’s examine what submission actually is first. The dictionary defines it as:

So here we can see what the concept entails. However, rather than being a selfless act, it becomes an increasingly selfish one for many. Consider the following phrases and their implications:

1. “I want to obey You” - think up things for me to do
2. “I want to submit to Your will” - do things to me
3. “I want to serve You” - more demand for instruction
4. “Teach me” - lest the individual has to think for themselves?

The Dark Dance is ideally a journey of self discovery as much as it is about Dominance and submission, irrespective of which role you engage in. It is never an exercise in the abdication of responsibility. To submit to the will of Another is to accept an additional responsibility, not to relinquish those which already belong to you. It is not an excuse to relate everything to your own perspective either. In serving submissively, should the submissive spend their time making demands, or should they be dedicating their time to making the Dominants life less stressful? All too often submissives convey a needy, childish and selfish attitude to Dominants, along with an egocentric display of self-focus.

If a Dominant is having a bad day, They are having a bad day. It does not mean that your service is at fault. After all, why do you think you are so very important that your actions are the cause of such emotion in the Dominant? Rather than bemoan the fact that you are a worthless submissive and then demand reassurance, where is the support for the Dominant? The exchange which takes place is meant to be a mutual one, so where is the caring from the bottom side of things? Where does a submissive as described above offer support to their Dominant? Where is the service? The reason you can not see it is because the submissive I’ve described is a greedy, sucking emotional void.

Service means thinking of ways to aid and assist the Dominant, not see how many more demands can be placed upon Them when They really are just not in the mood. All too often the submissive forces the Dominant to become less human by pushing Them to remain in a pre-defined role created by the submissive, rather than affording Them space to be Themselves in. This attitude is often reflected in profile write ups where the submissive will list all the things that they want, and never make mention of the gifts of  service they will offer to a Dominant.

While it’s good to maintain clear communication (most Dominants charge extra for mind-reading), it’s also important to nurture and support the human being who is standing in the Dominant position. If They are in a poor mood, the supportive reaction is to see if there is any aid that can be offered, to ascertain if the Dominant wishes to talk about things and to then attempt to lighten the mood. Yet all too often the submissives response is to wonder what they have done to cause such an effect and demand reassurance from an already stressed Dominant.

Think about the way you respond in conversations. You know if this describes you. If you can see your own reactions here, then you now have the answer as to why you are finding it hard to gain a position with a Dominant. While your submission is so selfish in focus, then there is little to recommend you as a person to Another, let alone as a submissive.

Held safe in bliss

It’s not often I will come even this close to “naming and shaming” someone in the community. However, much to My own deep amusement, it has been brought to My attention that another “domme” is lifting chunks of My sites (which I write personally) and using them for herself. Granted, she attempts to “disguise” her lack of originality by “rephrasing” some things; but for the most part, she lifts both My terminology and ethos. Bless her unimaginative mind

The honestly amusing thing is that this was brought to My attention by serves who have attended her and found her….erm….. “wanting”, and have elected to attend Me and since become regular serves of Mine. This brings Me back to the point I made in My post about plastic dommes, please do bother to check out the Dom/me you are hoping to scene with thoroughly.

Remember: your safety and enjoyment is primarily YOUR responsibility. When you elect to submit to Another, you have chosen to place both these gifts into Their hands. Any one who shows such a lack of imagination (as well as such a poor grasp of English! LOL!) should be treated with suspicion.

Flattered

Mistress

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Sometimes in life we encounter someone who is technically perfect. They may be a lover, Dominant or submissive. Initially they seem ideal, then as time passes gaps begin to show while logically they remain technically perfect.

These are the people who read avidly and are a source of excellent technical knowledge, yet something is missing. A lover or Dominant can be technically perfect, yet their performance leaves you unsatisfied. A submissive may make all the right moves, yet their service remains unsatisfying. They know all the right moves to make, the right things to do and say. Yet something remains missing. Does this sound familiar?

You may be wracking your brains to work out what is missing. The answer is simple…passion. A lover or Dominant can give a technically good performance, but without a passion for flesh and eye for detail, will never be able to adapt their technically perfect repertoire to accommodate an individuals idiosyncrasies. A gentle stroke can display tenderness, but too gentle can tickle or irritate, too firm can fail to display the gentleness of a moment. Lack of attention paid to a partner means that while the individual remains text-book perfect, the interaction lacks life or true engagement.

The technically perfect person is more concerned about giving a good perfomance than genuinely interacting. On the surface this seems to be born from vanity, but the truth is that this problem is founded in insecurity. Insecurity can be cause by many things, sometimes it’s because the person is relatively new at a role and has not yet found the joy of it. It can also be caused by enduring low self-esteem (yes, Dominants can suffer from this too!), which causes the individual to believe that their own creativity is rubbish or useless.

So how then may this situation be addressed? Frankly, sometimes it can’t. Many who are technically perfect will always remain so self-absorbed that when a negative response is displayed by a partner they mistakenly believe the partner should adapt to their text-book perfect ways. Others learn from skin and moans, and others will respond to open and honest discussion. Does the obstinate and self-absorbed person suffer from a deep seated arrogance? At times this is undoubtedly true. However, for some this is about a journey of self-discovery, and only once they learn to accept themselves will they ever learn to revel and delight in the variance of individual responses. Here we see the difference between those who are text-book perfect, and those who are highly skilled practitioners of their art; fluid in their skills, creative in their application and adaptable as people.

Reflectively

Mistress

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I had an interesting conversation recently where the subject of who serves who in a D/s relationship came up. Many Dominants would maintain that They serve no-one but Themselves, and that Their submissive serves Them. However, I would argue that the exchange which is negotiated so honestly and openly in this type of relationship does not bestow service more fully upon one person. Rather this openness ensures that, for a change, the exchange of service is actually more even.

Does not a Dominant serve when They enjoy playing with Their submissive? Who does the work in a play scene for the most part? Is it the submissive held in place by restraints receiving the sensations and stimulation’s they enjoy? Or is it the Dominant who lovingly secures the submissive and comes up with ever more imaginative methods to stimulate Their submissive?

Who gains when the submissive massages the feet of the Dominant, or performs some other duty? Is it the submissive who gets their need to serve Another met? Or is it the Dominant with pampered toes?

Which is the protected and which the protector? Does the Dominant who ensures that the submissive is held safe after a journey into subspace act as protector? Or is it the slave who ensures that all of the Dominants needs are met and stands between Them and everyday stress?

Who betrays their position?Is it the Dominant who ignores the use of a safeword by a submissive? Or is it the submissive who fails to check the health, boundaries and mental state of the Dominant they are about to play with?

Who holds responsibility? The Dominant who ensures that a scene is conducted safely while generating that most blissful of interactions? Or the submissive who elects where and with whom they lay their submission open?

Finally, who displays a lack of service? Is it when a Dominant decries Their submissive for voicing needs and desires, and clams the sub is “topping from the bottom”, and perhaps without knowing prevents the growth of the submissive? Or is it in the ignorance of a submissive for failing to accept the fact that their Dominant is a whole human being, and perceives any emotion other than obvious strength as “weakness”?

Who really serves?

Mistress

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